That genuine happiness that I talked about feeling a couple of weeks ago is now gone. It lasted a whole two weeks. It was a nice change from my rapid cycling but seriously? Two weeks of joy is all that I get? I’m still trying to find it again, chasing it… The demons came back and I was engulfed by darkness yet again. The hopelessness returned, so discouraged. I thought that I had finally leveled out and was going to start living life the way I wanted to again, enjoying it instead of forcing it.
After completely falling apart for a couple weeks, I finally pulled myself together and began to accept my reality. I’m not just going to wake up happy one day and have it last forever. A lot of people talk about healing and recovering, but I find it to really just be coping. There is definitely a healing and recovering portion, for example – recovering from an episode or letting go of guilt, but the battle never ends. I will be wreslting with this brain disease for the rest of my life. The medications and coping techniques are tools to help you in the fight, but they aren’t a solution. My mental illness is not going to disappear because I find the right medications and follow all th advice from my therapist. I can be doing everything right and things are still going to go wrong sometimes.
The moment I accepted this, I started to gain back a little motivation. I won’t lie, I went through a period of self pity but it is what is. You don’t get to choose everything in life.
For those of you reading this that are struggling with a mental illness too, try not to let the steps backwards discourage you. We have to attempt to roll with the punches. People who fight mental illnesses are some of the toughest, most compasitonate people that I have encountered. A lot of times, we feel drained, weak and hopeless, but the courage and strength that living with a mental illness requires is unimaginable for those that don’t experience it. Think about, if you’re like me, you’ve danced with the devil more than once, not wanting to take another breath or live another day. But if you’re reading this than you won. Everyday above ground is a day to find something to be grateful for. I know sometimes it’s hard (trust me I need constant reminders), but it’s not impossible.
I feel that having a good support system is vital. That is one of the main reasons why I chose to start my blog. I know not everyone is lucky enough to have supportive family or friends, but there is an enourmous amount of support available on blogs and social media. Do not be afraid to ask for help. I will listen and do all I can to help, there are so many people that will. You are not alone in this war, you have plenty of warriors on your side 🙂