It feels good to experience a genuine happiness again. It’s not just a fleeing emotion that comes and goes. It’s not the cloud nine mania after the dark storm. It’s a happiness that does more than make me feel good and upbeat. I am finally driven to be more creative, productive, successful, and healthy.
For over a year, I have been waiting to feel this again. It got to a point where it was almost as if I forgot what it felt like to be truly happy. People kept telling me, “Things will get better with time.” I may have believed that in the beginning… Seriously though, after a few months of feeling as if I was trapped in my own body with some monster taking control of my mind… I felt like there was no way out. I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, there was no end in sight. I just listened to people tell me to hang in there and rolled my eyes. I was honestly SO sick of hearing it. It almost made me angry. So many times I wanted to snap and say back to them “Yeah OKAY, everyday feels like it could be the last day of my life. I am trapped and can’t get away. I don’t have anymore damn time!!!”
I have tried so many medications that I lost count. I went through at least 5 doctors before I found one that actually started to help me. I hadn’t felt in control of myself since… well I couldn’t quite put a finger on the last time I felt in control. Through the madness of the onset of my illness, life turned into a messy blur. Then finally, something changed… I was able to actually apply the coping skills that I learned in therapy. I had more energy and motivation. I felt a sense of control. When it first began to happen, I was weary. I was just waiting for another extreme low to hit me and leave me unable to get out of bed. It didn’t though… I went 12 straight days with no type of mood swings or issues at all! I was amazed… I think I still may be looking for a catch. I never thought I would live to see this day.
Why am I sharing this? Because I know what it is like to be held tight in the grasp of those demons in your mind. I know what it feels like to want to die, assuring yourself that everyone else would be better off that way. I’m familiar with not being able to figure out what is real and why this is happening to you. I know how it is to feel like you’re drowning as you see everyone around you breathing. Always hearing people tell you to “hang in there,” “give it time,” or “keep fighting.” But they tell you that because you have it in you to persevere. You can survive and thrive. There are so many people out there, like me, willing to help you. Never be afraid to ask for help. Don’t hesitate to reach out for encouragement or compassion. If I lived to see this day, so can you.
Never ever give up. If no one else is there for you, I can be 🙂