Ready Or Not, Here I Come

Seriously, sometimes it feels like my illness is playing hide and seek with me. I feel good for a few days… Start feeling like I can handle things… Start to see some light shining through and then READY OR NOT, HERE I COME! That sneaky little demon pops out and strangles me with his darkness… GOTCHA. It takes such a strong grip on me that it drains everything out of me trying to wrestle my way out of it’s hold. I still find it terrifying that my mood can go from one extreme to another in a matter of minutes like that. It only takes one thing rubbing me the wrong way and I can go from feeling good and being productive, all the way down to curled up in a ball under every blanket in my room crying so long that my head aches. So low down that I have vivid flashbacks of the psych hospitals, the violent manic episodes and all of the awful things that I endured before finally getting a diagnosis for bipolar disorder and stabilizing. My mind gets clouded by a tornado of these tormenting thoughts and my heart feels as if it moves to beat in my throat. My chest gets heavy and my breathing gets quicker. My body starts shaking and I close my eyes and try to get away. It’s times like this I find myself wishing to disappear somewhere far away from everything, so I don’t have to live with the pain anymore. I’m exhausted from fighting to stay above ground. I don’t want to play hide and seek anymore. I don’t want to feel like a burden to my family or my husband because I waste so many days unable to hold myself together. I still fear that my marriage is going to end up falling into that 90% that fail due to bipolar disorder. Is it ever going to end? Will there be a day where I am not on edge waiting for that demon to jump out and catch me? Will I ever feel confident with who I am and where I’m going in life ever again? Or will I always be unstable and unpredictable? Will I always see myself for all of my flaws and uncertain of where I will end up?….